Zoffix Znet

A friend of mine suggested I try one of these dating sites - Plenty Of Fish in particular - because (among other things) it's fun!

I'm glad I've signed up and created a profile; I was surprised to see so many intresting and original people out there. In fact, I've decided to quote some of their best traits on this page for the world to awe.

The quotes here are not made up and were taken from actual profiles; the usernames are listed for you not to make fun of unfortunate fellows, but rather as a warning label to stay the fuck away from them.

Being a [straight] guy it's natural that my initial findings were from the female sector, though I shall indulge into the male conterpart later on just because the "competition" is just as hilarious.

I came across this marvelous profile titled "Molls89 : Seeing what's out there". Let me tell you about this Molls89, she's a very unique and original person. Not only she loves to laugh, she also likes to have fun! Not everyone's perfect, and neither is our Molls89. Once years pass, I'm sure she will upgrade her feelings and will start to love to have fun. Here's a snippet from her rather short profile:

I love to laugh.
I like to sing, attempt to play guitar, go for bike rides, dance around, and shop.
I like to have fun, and definitely like to get silly from time to time :)

After a lifetime of meeting girls who would smack me for making them laugh, I finally found a perfect mate. If you're a boring piece of shit who got zero personality, make sure to sprinkle your profile with inane crap: "I love to breath! It makes me feel alive and happy!!!". Tell you what, Molls89, you find me just one girl who doesn't love to laugh and I'll buy you a beer. While you're at it, you may also want to start NOT covering up the fact that you're dipshit by pretending to "like to get silly".

This one is a piece of work indeed: "greenfrog87 : Just take a peek!". The idea is that most men are sick and tired of every girl out there and are looking for something different. Lucky for us, greenfrog87 - who doesn't seem to be actually green, in case you were wondering - stated clearly in her profile that she is not akin to anything we've seen before:

I AM....
known as Kim
easy going
afraid of heights
different from most girls

I was quite intrigued by that fact and decided to find out what's so special about our precious Kim. To my message she replied with a rather bold statement that crushed all of my doubts - she was in fact unique. Unfortunately, I deleted the message right after I've read it, thus I'll paraphrase as accurately as I can:

What makes me different? I don't like drama and I'm not into games. Clearly I am unique!

Well, holy shit! Look at you! You are clearly unique, but I think it steams from the fact that you're uniquely ignorant. Why don't you at least bother to read other girls' profiles to find out - SURPRISE - most of them mention that they don't like drama and not into head games, you dumb cunt. I feel a need in clarification of what you mean by "not into games", not into head games?; not into video games? Either way, you're just a dumb bitch. As a final note, you have two photos where you're standing in the bathtub - dressed - with a camera taking a shot of your reflection in the mirror; you're slightly bending over to fit your enourmous body into the shot and that makes it look like you got a tampon stuck up your ass. Get rid of them - they are creepy.

Men profiles do not automagically appear for me so I did a rather broad search... I was planning on reading through a few before settling down with a "pick of the day", but the arrogance of the very first profile made me want to punch the faggot in the gut.

This profile is titled "5West : still new to this", it was overflowing with crap that I decided to cut some stuff out just because NO ONE CARES. Let's take a peek.

Me:
Amicably divorced and getting back in the ring. Sucka? Perhaps...
I WAS feeling fragile. Not so anymore. I'm confident, have high standards,
and I'm not going to settle.
I have a 7yo daughter who means the world to me. She doesn't
live with me, but I wish she did...
Currently doing an MBA evenings and still working days - so I'm
fairly busy all-round.
I ski, flyfish, and I love getting back to nature now and then (e.g. backpacking).
I'm a bit of a gadget freak, and I can probably fix your computer. I'm a Mac.
I've got a big telescope and I'm learning how to use it (that's not a joke).

You - hmmmm...
Must not be into "quadding". Horses good, quads bad. mkay?
Must not have a profile pic of you in your lingerie. Don't get me
wrong, I like lingerie, but geez, there's a right time & place.
Must have a profile pic more recent than your 1987 grad photo.
Must enjoy Belgian fruit beer, vs. um, Coors.
NEW: must not have a profile pic of you in a leopard print negligee,
sprawled across a glass-topped table, holding a bottle of champagne
- not all at the same time, anyway.
NEW: if I have to guess which one is you in your profile pic(s),
well, I'm not into guessing, or I might guess you're the not-as-pretty one.

Our "5West" is a 41 year old divorced man. His wife left him and took his kid because he was working all day long and his arrogance drove her nuts. So now, our Mr. Right wonders on Intertubes looking for a fresh start. The job in management gives the desperate man a chance to buy happiness with hyped up toys and he's dumb enough to own an overpriced piece of shit computer... oh wait, he says he is one.

Let's see if we'll be able to find 5West's perfect mate out of the audience. First of all, she must not be into "quadding". I had a hard time finding the definition of that word and the only reasonable definition I have found was from the trusty old UrbanDictionary, and it reads: to steal babies for future resale, thus ensure you're not into that kind of thing.

You must have a recent profile photo with only you in it because if there would be your friend along with you, our 5West will assume that the less attractive one is you - why in the world would the prettier one write to him? Also, ensure that the photo is recent - having a 20 year old photograph will make 5West think he's just that amazing to be able to score with a young lady. Most importantly, wear a lingerie in your photo. The whole "must not" thing is only a cover up for his slimy ways as it is clear that he's obsessed with women in revealing clothing and the new BIG telescope that he bought after his wife dumped his ass is only more proof of that.

Whilst 5West is ever so descriptive of what kind of profile photos you should have available, his own photos demonstrate the kind of a hot stud he truly is. First photo: looks like he just got busted wanking off after learning to use his telescope. Second photo: he's holding a small pumpkin in his hand and has a determined look to try to fuck it. Third photo: poorly done photo-merge of his ugly face and the Eiffel Tower in the background - nice one, dipshit, I bet you don't even know in what country that tower is. Lastly, a really creepy photo of him against some wall - must be from the days when he was a peeping tom.

Finally, make sure you like disgusting beer, because he's the man in the house and he'll tell you what to drink for the rest of your life. What a catch, I'm all moisty downstairs.

This profile is titled "roberto18 : Honestly-I dont know". The guy in the photo looks quite sad and had his entire arm tatooed with inane crap. He is a 22 year old man, looking for a "Long Term" partner and wants to have kids...

==Interests==
Friends        Family and just laying around on a boring day

==About Me==
Im Rob, a 21 year old, im 5'11, brown hair, muscular, blue
eyes and i dont really know, if ya wanna know, just ask. I
enjoy being with someone that cares cause i tend to care about
someone alot if they give it in return, i love hearing the words
i love you but only if its ment. Dont pretent to like me and dont
think u cant hurt me by pushing me away

==First Date==
It would be an ideal first date, mabey a bite to eat and a movie,
then take time to get to know each other.

I can feel chronic depression waving off the text right into my face. His profile age (calculated automatically from the birthday he set) shows that he's 22 while in the text he writes that he's 21. Our poor Roberto has been out of luck for quite some time and he got his ugly tattoo in hopes that at least the trashy girls would want him.

Roberto doesn't seem to know a lot of things. Not only his "headline" states that he honestly doesn't know shit, in his "about me" section, mid-sentence he dwelves into the fact a little more and invites you to ask if you wanna know what he doesn't know and maybe then you two could commit and have tons of babies who would also not know. Unlike most guys, our Roby tends to go for someone who actually cares about him - what a surprise! The whole "love hearing words" bullshit meant to say that he's tired of having to pay fake sluts to get laid and wants for once to feel what it's like with a real woman.

Roberto's only interest is getting drunk at his parents' house with his buddies, what a man! His ideal first date would be filling up on McDonalds or popcorn while watching a tasteless movie; after that you should be tired enough for him to offer you go to his basement at his parents' house to "get to know each other", if you know what I mean.

It sounds like a lot of people are pretending to actually like him just to get a chance to hurt him by pushing him somewhere... God, I hope it will be in front of the bus the next time it happens.

There are tons of crappy profiles on all of the dating sites and I am sure that people who write them could be different than what they come off as. The point at hand is that if you're really want to find someone and not just made fun of maybe you should give a couple of thoughts before you splatter the first thing that comes to mind... Alternatively, you could just die in the fire.

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