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I'm getting rather bored with all the new movies being crappy remakes or boring failures. For that reason, I've decided to help out movie makers by creating a list of what a good movie should or should not have and expounding on each item. I think that IMDB should create a ranking based on how well the movie performs over my points.

Alright, so here is the ultimate list of DOs and DON'Ts for the best movie ever made. If you don't agree, you can just go ahead and blow me, sucker.

Things that movies should have in them

• Non-slutty-looking hot female as one of the main characters.
• Non-cheesy high-tech equipment
• Fucking that makes sense

Things that movies should NOT have

• The guy who's pictured as a totally serious and mean all of a sudden is making cheesy jokes
• Ugly bitch saving the world
• Some fag who's holding everyone up
• Talking
• An evil genius being a dipshit

Moviemakers, learn one thing: men... need... eyecandy... to... keep... interest. Say it out loud, please. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on the butt you kiss most often at your job.

I liked Alien, Aliens and Alien³, but I could have loved them if only instead of ugly ass Sigourney Weaver playing Ripley they would find a hotter babe.

Now, I can see some producers getting the point, but only half-way. Zombie Strippers is a good example. Jay Lee apparently thought that putting a lot of hot chicks that turn into zombies was hot and sexy and popular. However, he missed the second point...

The hot chick must be NON-SLUTTY. The big-boobed girl who looks like she's been around the block a few times might do for a 90-second porno clip, not a 90-minute movie. The slutty girl will make female watchers offended by sexier girl and male viewers bored to death as they will have no imagination left after about 20-minutes into it.

A very good example comes in the form of Anna Faris (yummy!) in Scary Movie as well as the sequels. And a perfect example is Arielle Kebbel in American Pie: Band Camp - a lickable hottie playing stuck up virgin girl... what can be more stimulating and sexier? Hell, I rewatched that movie just 'cause of her - something you should write down just about now!

Now, we want to see the future, not some piece of shit crap no one would need or use.

Now, there's a horrid movie - sucky enough that I don't even remember its name - where Jackie Chan plays some kind of baby sitter. The 10 minutes of the movie that I managed to watch show some stupid-ass gadgets that Chan has. We got some crap that tangles the kids, blah blah, just watch that shitty movie, you get what I mean.

You need not have some dipshit using all the "clever" shit you think would hype up your movie. Here's a tip: have something that just might work somehow; not just some bullshit one would know is fake.

I give the award for this category to all three Cube movies, especially the sequel Cube 2: Hypercube. Now, those guys did it right. You got weird shit happening, than a fatass nerd (even though he's a shitty actor) drawing some cube on a wall, saying some bullshit, and before the viewer got a chance to process all the crap we got some action going on. What does this do? The people watching just get the fat ass nerd's crap as the true fact and move the fuck on. It's weird, new, high-tech and doesn't sound like complete bullshit.

I honestly don't remember any examples for either the suckies or the best moments for this category, but I'm sure what I am about to tell you rings a bell...

You got this producer who wants to hype up his movie with some G-rated fucking, and because his movie is shit, he sticks this in the most retarded moments. One minute you're watching the movie, the next you're watching a dude and a chick all of a sudden passionately fucking. Instead of enjoying the movie you start to wonder what the fuck led to that, and before you're done the fucking is over.

If you can't explain why to characters of your movie are all of a sudden fucking, don't make them fuck; it's simple as that. Random fucking only makes your movie come off as cheasy bullshit.

Also, note: when strangers, and especially "enemies" fuck, they don't wake up in the morning hugging each other and "appreciating" the moment. They wake up thinking what the fuck did just happen and what's next?

OK, OK, we get it, you want your audience to have a laugh. It doesn't have to come from a tough dude who just killed a hundred of trained soldiers, duh!

Unless your movie's title is Zombieland, leave the funny stuff/jokes to the weak pussies who function just as pussy side-kicks in your shitty movie. When a meany serious guy makes a joke, it makes him less mean and the joke's not sounding funny, so just don't fucking do it, OK?

This is usually present in the movies who fail to observe an important point made above: Non-slutty-looking hot female as one of the main characters. After saving the world the movie ends; now you can either have imagination of viewers play the afterpart as "she went to the fucking library" or "she fucked someone just because". What's sexier and more entertaing? You decide.

Alright, alright, you wanna make a movie that creates "tension". Having some fag who just sucks and doesn't get it and whom everyone gotta save all the time is not a fucking way to do that. I'll bring my fave Hypercube movie back for this one. ALRIGHT, she's a blind bitch and he's a retard... would you seriously wait for some cripple to go through alive when you're at some weird piece of shit facility and your life is seriously at stake? I don't fucking think so.

If you put a retarded cripple in your movie, don't make everyone wait for him, just let it fucking die!

Jesus Chris, if you want your movie to be longer than your creativity affords, add some FUCKING into it, not talking. Seriously, no one cares about those twenty minutes where two cahracters discuss what they ate for breakfast, their childhood or whom they want to marry.

If you have any amount of talking in your movie, ask yourself these questions: will anyone fuck or die because of this talk or will it make the viewer laugh their ass off? No? Then cut the fucking talk out, dipshit!

Yes, I know, this one has been covered more than needed, YET, plenty of fucks still fail here. Come on, you got a dude who's smart enough to expunge the entire planet... Just why in fucking hell would he tell the master plan to the one person who is actually able to prevent the grand destruction?

Alright, producers, we get it, you need a way to tell the audience what the fucking super evil plan is, but do you really have to do it using this outmoust retarded way? How about you make the main hero find evil mastermind's diary or some shit? Come on, don't be a fucking 'tard.

What the hell are you still reading this shit for? Go and make me a decent movie, motherfucker!

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