Zoffix Znet

I don't consider myself a super "gentleman", and I really doubt you can pay me enough to pull out a chair for a girl. However, I do some basic things, like opening doors and letting the woman go first. Doing that is really nice... what a better way to check out if a girl has a nice ass than to let her walk through the door first! It is only recently that I've realized that other so called "chivalrous" things were actually made by perverts such as I, and learning for what each of those moves is will make you a happier man, and less of a stupid tool!

Since each of these "moves" was created by a real perverted man, there must be a man-reason for doing those, as well as a non-perverted excuse to offer to women.

Below is a list of the most basic chivalrous things a guy can do - each item has an explanation of how that "move" was first created and was intended to be interpreted.

Should you notice that some move is missing, be sure to let me know about it!

• Opening the Door

  Excuse: this one has a no-brainer excuse.. women are "weaker" sex, etc, etc, you're just being nice and all.

  Reason: if you have a cock and still did not get the reason behind this move, you might actually be gay. It's very obvious that the ancients created this move to have a good chance to stare at the woman's ass! In the old times, women often were large dresses, so the ass was not clearly visible most of the time. Should a woman need to walk through a narrow door, she would grab her dress and pull it where her hands are, leaving the ass nicely visible. Don't be shy to look at the goods!

  Special Notes: if the door swings the opposite way of you, then push it open and let the girl walk through first; this move sometimes is rather tricky, so practice! Practice! Practice!

• Walking Behind Her Up The Stairs

  Excuse: the excuse is rather clever, you're walking behind her so in case she falls, you could catch her!

  Reason: this one is a clever creation by the men of past. This move gives a clear view of the ass, of course. It had better effect in old castles with no elevators, but the modern man has a good chance once in a while as well. WARNING: should you start smelling crap, you better slow down, pretend to tie your shoe or something; trust me, you don't want to scar your mental wellbeing with shit-covered butt!

  Special notes: if you talk to a girl while going up the stairs she'll have an instintive intent to turn around to talk to you in the face, so make sure you do all the talking!

• Walking In Front of Her Down The Stairs

  Excuse: this move is actually a side-effect after the one above - going up the stairs - was created. Since we don't want women to fall, it's obvious you should be below her walking down... how you're actually gonna catch her is beyond my enourmous thinking abilities, so let's just leave this to women to figure out.

  Reason: this move is only performed to hide the fact that you're an extreme pervert, when the above move "Up The Stairs" is in your repertoire.

  Special notes: it's now her turn to check out your ass, so make sure you suck in all the fat!

• Pulling The Chair Out for Her To Sit

  Excuse: I really can't come up with a good excuse for modern world, but I guess you can always say that it's the "thing to do", and crappy romance movies enforce this logic. When this move was created by the perverts of the past, it was back when women wore large dresses, so sitting down on your own was not very convenient.

  Reason: this move is a double score if performed right. Pull the chair out and wait for her to pull on her skirt and show you her ass... at this point you can actually decide whether or not you should stay with her longer or let her fall and run. Now, here's the important bit; when pushing the chair under her ass, make sure to grab it (the CHAIR) closer to the seat, so you're bending over. Now, while in this position, you'll be able to check out the tits as well, when you push the chair all the way in.

  Special notes: most women already know that this move is a pererted one, thus will give you odd looks or giggle.

Even though my list above is far from being complete, I am certain that you can derive the true perverted gain from any of the chivalrous moves!

Gentlemen, now you know exactly why you always had that "I don't know why the hell I am doing this shit" feeling when opening doors or doing all the other crap. Well, now I'm sure I've cleared that up for ya'

Ladies, now that you know that you are more visible to us than you thought you were, please, walk slowly through the door, arch your back when the guy is pulling up your chair! Be more aware of us and our needs, for it is your job to make us like you!

• Anon

  Tue Aug 31 19:19:02 2010

  Satire is much more effective when it takes a clearly ridiculous stance. When it mimics beliefs many others hold, it simply groups the writer in with them.

• Zoffix Znet

  Tue Jun 1 17:30:24 2010

  Yeah, you might wanna look up "satire" in a dictionary before you call someone a retard ;)

• Me

  Tue Jun 1 16:14:05 2010

  You are an idiot and make no sense in your reasons. I cannot even begin to say just how retarded you sound!